


Countless Nights I Long For Your Embrace

by oyabros



Series: KuroTsukki long-distance relationship [2]
Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: Light Angst, Long-Distance Relationship, M/M, Post-Break Up, Reunions, Sad with a Happy Ending
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-06-02
Updated: 2020-06-02
Packaged: 2021-03-02 17:00:36
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,204
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24440218
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/oyabros/pseuds/oyabros
Summary: "What's the point? He's leaving, and I refuse to wait. Better to part ways as early as now," Kei responded bitterly."At least end things on a good note. Or just have a decent closure." The shorter man eyed him intently. "That will help moving on-- the transition -- easier, do you think?"Another bitter chuckle from Tsukishima. "I better be the villain in this story, Yamaguchi. Let me be remembered as the person who is too close-minded to make him choose between staying and spreading his wings. He will have an easier time moving on with that in mind."
Relationships: Kuroo Tetsurou/Tsukishima Kei
Series: KuroTsukki long-distance relationship [2]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1765057
Kudos: 23





	Countless Nights I Long For Your Embrace

**Author's Note:**

> This serves as a prequel-ish to 'An Attack to Grad Students' (haha sorry about the title; that time, my friend and I were just fooling around when we decided to post her work here). This time, we see things unfold from Kei's perspective.

On good days, Kei would notice something is amiss. It's in the tiny details -- the sudden staring off the distance, the distractibility, the awkward laughs…the list goes on. But Kei ignored those small signs as he prefers to be intoxicated by Kuroo's presence. After three years of living abroad for his studies, Tetsurou is finally back. That's all that matters to Tsukishima.

They decided to celebrate Kuroo's graduation by going on a trip. The place was not fancy; they simply rented a cabin in Miyagi overlooking a lake. Kei wanted to hog all of Kuroo's attention, not that the other man failed to pay attention to him even when they were with friends. But then, it has been three years, and he just missed him so much -- not that Kei would outright admit it to the bedhead. They were on the last day of their five-day trip, preparing for a bedtime earlier than their usual so that they can check out first thing tomorrow morning, when Kuroo said, "I received an offer for a scholarship."

And of course, Kei's first immediate reaction was joy. He is happy for Kuroo. He is proud of the feats Kuroo continues to achieve. But something off registered and so Kei asked, "What's the catch?" Kei started to tense. He has an idea where this is going -- _where he_ is going -- but another part of his mind wanted to deny it. _Stop, don't say anything anymore_ , Kei wanted to tell Kuroo. But Kuroo confirmed Kei's fears -- he has to go back to another country, some more years of being separated to Kei.

In a flash, Kei saw Akiteru's defeated image back when Kei discovered that his brother was not part of the Karasuno volleyball team. This time though, Kei is Akiteru. Defeated. Pathetic. Lame. Made to wait for many years, only to wait for many more years again. Then Kei realized: Kuroo will keep on achieving in his field, so what are the chances that this will end with the master's degree? Where is the guarantee that Kuroo will come back to him when Kuroo could just continue to fly and conquer the world? What is the point of waiting then?

Kei started to feel numb, and he was not even aware of what came out of his mouth. He understood one thing, though -- Kuroo did not choose him. Kei is not enough to be chosen. No matter how many years he will wait for Kuroo, the other man would not prioritize Kei. Having processed all these in a blink of an eye, Kei found a resolution. He will not stand in Kuroo's way, but he also refuses to wait. He is done waiting.

When he made the decision at that time, Kei thought he made the best decision in his life. He will wait for no one. He is done waiting only to be made to wait again. He will not put in effort just to be disappointed with the outcome.

He thought he made the best decision, but here he is at night crying his heart out for a love that he does not have the right to hold anymore.

\---------

"Tsukki, he's been looking for you," Yamaguchi said imploringly. After returning from the trip _alone_ , Kei immediately blocked Kuroo from all the possible means that the bedhead could contact him. That includes isolating himself from the world -- Kei avoided seeing their common friends except for Yamaguchi, who Kei is sure would not betray his trust despite his disapproval of Kei's actions. Well, avoiding their friends is just the tip of the iceberg. Kei has not been going out of Akiteru's apartment for about two weeks already. Akiteru could not get anything substantial out of him, either. As befuddled as he is by his brother's actions, Akiteru left it to Tadashi to tend to Kei; otherwise, Kei might leave the apartment and go somewhere none of them would know.

"He's leaving in three days. Can't you meet him before he that?" Yamaguchi sat beside his friend, who was curled in the corner of the apartment despite the availability of proper, more comfortable seats. "Maybe talk it out with Kuroo-san? Both of you are a mess."

Tsukishima snorted. "Leaving already, huh," he muttered but did not deign to respond to Yamaguchi's suggestions.

"Look, Tsukki. You're not the only one hurting. He is also hurting," Yamaguchi paused. "Maybe much worse than you are now, and that's saying something given--" Yamaguchi's eyes wandered over Kei's unkempt appearance, "--how you are right now. When was the last time you had a change of clothes?"

"What's the point? He's leaving, and I refuse to wait. Better to part ways as early as now," Kei responded bitterly.

"At least end things on a good note. Or just have a decent closure." The shorter man eyed him intently. "That will help moving on-- the transition -- easier, do you think?"

Another bitter chuckle from Tsukishima. "I better be the villain in this story, Yamaguchi. Let me be remembered as the person who is too close-minded to make him choose between staying and spreading his wings. _He_ will have an easier time moving on with that in mind."

"But Tsukki-"

"I'm tired, Yamaguchi," Kei interrupted. He yawned, despite having stayed in bed all day. He only went out of bed today to sit on his favorite corner in the apartment, but Kei feels truly tired. Kei stood up, "I'm going back to sleep," he said, signaling Yamaguchi to leave him alone. "And thanks for bringing food."

Three days after his conversation with Yamaguchi, Kei found himself staring at his phone. His eyes were glued to a particular name in his contact list. After hours of staring off contest with his phone's screen, Kei gently threw his phone in the bed.

Akiteru could hear Kei's muffled cries across the living room.

\---------

Eventually, Kei moved on. At first, he refused to acknowledge the part he played in their break up. _It's for the best_ , he would repeatedly tell himself. Nothing comes out of waiting, anyway. The effort he would have to put in trying to meet from different time zones could be spent on other productive activities instead. _It's for the best_.

And so, Kei gradually moved on with his life. He filled his days with 'productive' activities, as he would like his days to be. It was quite easy to fall into routines. He threw away useless thoughts and filled his brain with information useful for him. He ended up with high marks in his acads, impressing professors and peers alike. When he is not doing schoolwork, he searched for other topics that interest him. Tsukishima is non-stop in his pursuit of knowledge.

Playing volleyball is a little awkward at first, as the sport reminds him of a bedhead with a Cheshire grin. Kei almost gave up volleyball, but he refused to back down in the end.

As time passed by, playing volleyball hurt less. Kei feels that he is, indeed, moving on.

\---------

The thing with healing is -- Kei realized -- the process is not linear. There were consecutive days -- months, even -- when he did well and felt better, only to wake up with a pain in his chest and the world seeming to crash once again. For months, he thought he finally got the hang of it, but one day, while he and Yamaguchi had facetime with Hinata, Tetsurou's name was mentioned in passing, and Kei suddenly felt his chest tighten. His mind started wandering.

"I miss you, guys," Hinata said without an ounce of embarrassment. "It's really lonely here. I'm all alone, and the people talk funny. I've adjusted, though, but right here is not the same as home."

Like a blast of cold water to his face, Kei realized: This must be how Tetsurou is feeling as he does his best fulfilling his dreams abroad. All alone, but determined. Hopeful about his future, but not having it easy. _What was I thinking back then_ , Kei bitterly thought to himself, Hinata and Yamaguchi's voice becoming some background noise as his thoughts intensify. Back then, Kei thought _he_ had it hard that Kuroo had to leave Japan again. Kei hasn't even considered that Kuroo will have it twice as hard. Here in Japan, Kei can still enjoy the company of his friends and family. Kei is within his comfort zone. Kuroo had none of those in the UK. Kuroo was navigating in an unfamiliar environment, doing his best to get by. Thinking about it, Kei now wishes fervently that Kuroo at least have some friends where he is right now so that he could have people to support him.

 _Better yet_ , Kei's musing continued, _let him find someone who can love him better than I did. Better than I do._

That's when it all came crashing down on Kei. In the past few months, he was not moving on. He still loves Kuroo Tetsurou. He was barely living, distracting himself, but never moving on.

"Oy, Tsukishima!" Hinata's voice snapped Kei back to the present. At the same time, Tadashi asked, "Tsukki, are you okay?"

"Wha-- of course, I'm okay," Kei responded, finally regaining composure. "Where were we at?"

Yamaguchi looked at him with concern in his eyes. "Well, Hinata was already saying goodbye. He has to get to work in ten minutes."

"Ah, alright," he is still feeling a little bit dazed at his realization, but later would be the best time to fully process things. He has his friends to talk with. Moping must come at a later time when he is alone. "Make sure to do your job properly, you midget."

That earned a reaction from Hinata. "I never half-assed my job, you bean pole," he responded, obviously riled up. "Okay, I gotta go now. Thank you for talking to me, guys. I really appreciate it," he said, relief and gratitude apparent on his face.

Yamaguchi bid goodbye to Hinata. Kei called Hinata's attention last minute.

"Hinata," the short orange-haired boy stopped, waiting for Kei. Kei quietly said, "You take care."

Slowly, Hinata's eyes widened. As wide grin forms on the short boy's face, most likely about to tease the blonde, Kei reached forward and exited the video app.

"Are you okay?" Yamaguchi said after a while.

Kei shrugged. "I don’t think so."

"Do you want to talk about it?"

"No, not now. Not yet," he responded. Yamaguchi reached out to him and gave him a brief hug.

\-----

Now that Kei has full-blown realized that he misses Kuroo, being alone is once again becoming unbearable. This is the fifth consecutive night that he is holding his phone, eyes glued to his screen. He has been staring for hours at the name 'Kuroo Tetsurou.' For a while now, Kei has been contemplating on unblocking Kuroo then calling him.

 _What if Kuroo has moved on already?_ Kei thought. Rather than feeling sad, Kei felt relief instead. Tetsurou -- _Kuroo,_ he corrected himself -- deserves to be happy. Unfortunately, his happiness does not lie with Tsukishima Kei.

 _I was the one who cut him off_ , Kei reminded himself. The moment he broke up with Kuroo, Kei lost the right to reconnect with him. For all he knows, Kuroo has gotten over him now. Kei does not want to disrupt the normalcy that Kuroo has likely worked hard to achieve.

With a resolution in mind, Kei locked his screen and gently put his phone on the bedside. That night, and for many nights to come, he slept with dried tears on his face.

\-----

At some point, Hinata finally came back home to build his volleyball career in Japan. There were days when Hinata is free, and on those days, he would bother any of his friends to catch up with them.

On one unfortunate day, it was Kei's turn to be bothered by Hinata. Hinata asked where he was and what he was doing. The next thing Kei knew, Hinata showed up after his volleyball practice with the promise of treating him with a strawberry shortcake in a nearby café.

If he were honest, Hinata's presence did not bother Kei anymore. In fact, he genuinely missed Hinata when he was in Brazil, but of course, he would not give the midget the satisfaction of knowing how he felt. Hinata told stories about his adventures in Brazil, something to do with having his wallet stolen and meeting the Grand King. Hinata asked questions about Kei's life, his plans after college. Overall, Kei enjoyed their interaction.

Their topic went to Hinata's current team, the Black Jackals. "How are your teammates treating you?" Kei asked as if disinterested. He is not as concerned, though, for Hinata is known to adapt well in any social situation.

"They are great!" was Hinata's immediate response. "Besides, Bokuto-san is there, and he treats me to ramen after every practice. It's sometimes embarrassing to be treated to dinner everytime, but whenever I offer to treat him, Bokuto-san refuses. Says I must have missed it a lot since Kuroo-san keeps on complaining that his taste buds haven't adjusted to western food--" Kei thought that he hid his reactions well, but Hinata noticed him wince at the mention of Kuroo's name. "Sorry," the short boy quietly apologized.

Kei gently smiled at Hinata. "It's fine. Is Bokuto-san still his usual energetic self?" After his break up with Kuroo, Kei also stopped communicating with their common friends from Tokyo.

Hinata's face brightened again. "Of course! Bokuto-san is much dependable now. There are times when I get yelled at by Atsumu, but Bokuto-san is always there to cheer me up. We meet up with Akaashi-san, too, when he's not busy chasing his mangakas for their monthly deadline," Hinata went on. "Oh, and both Bokuto-san and Akaashi-san send their regards to you. Uhmn, I just did not tell you immediately because I thought you'll get mad if I mention them…" Hinata's voice trailed off, eyes downcast.

There it is again, the feeling of tightness in his chest. Trying not to give away anything on his face, Kei said, "They weren't mad at me?"

"What? No, of course not! You know Bokuto-san. He could be loud, but he's too kind to get angry. Akaashi-san even said at some point that he understands what you're going through," it was as if Hinata is saying that Kuroo's friends -- also _my_ friends, Tsukki reminded himself -- were not blaming him for the breakup. Wow, he did not expect that. "To be honest, none of them were mad at you. Well, Kenma was disappointed, but only for a while. He said if you and Kuroo-san are meant to end up together, then it will happen at some point. Kenma sometimes asks how you're doing."

"That's a relief," was Kei's brief response, but internally, he is reeling. He is confused, relieved, thankful – a combination of many other emotions he could not identify anymore.

There was a moment of comfortable silence as they both finish their drink.

"K-kuroo-san…how is he?" Kei asked when he finally mustered the courage.

Hinata slurped on the last of his chocolate shake before responding, "There are times when I would see him having facetime with Bokuto-san, like how we and Yamaguchi and Kageyama and Yachi do," Hinata fondly smiled at the memory. "It really helped a lot, you know. There were times when I would have fun there, but it's still different talking to you guys, like talking to you gives me a peek of my home. Anyway," Hinata's usual cheery tone came back, "I'd see Kuroo-san via facetime sometimes. Says he's doing well and trying to finish his studies fast." Hinata looked Kei in the eye. With his voice lower, he said, "Says he wants to come home as soon as he can."

Kei's heart beat wildly, something akin to hope arising. He did not make an effort to snuff this one out.

"Is that so…" were the only words he was able to say.

But more than the hope he is feeling, Kei is simply grateful that Kuroo seems to be doing well, if what Hinata saw and heard were true. Kei prays that it was true. More than anything, he would be happy to know that Kuroo is doing well, hopefully enjoying his life overseas.

With hesitation, Kei asked, "Was it… was it really difficult?" Kei has never been away from home, so he would not know the feeling. Hinata has been away though. He would know for sure.

Hinata, without asking what Kei meant, gently smiled and said, "Of course, nothing is easy. Over time, you get used to your new environment, but it's never the same, especially when you have people waiting for you back home. But that's the thing, those people back home give you the strength to push forward until your job is done," Hinata chuckled, as if remembering something, but his face turned serious immediately. "And you can't help but do your best because you would want to come back, too, so you can finally hold them in your embrace."

Tsukishima never thought that there would be a day that he will be swept away with Hinata's words, but here he is. Hinata, noticing Kei's dumbfounded expression, took it as an opportunity to get the last bite of Kei's strawberry shortcake. Kei was too focused on Hinata's words that he did not even notice.

\-----

After his conversation with Hinata, Kei feels lighter. A little bit hopeful, but more relieved. His nights were more bearable once again, content with the thought of a Kuroo who is doing well even when he is all alone in a foreign place.

Kei might be hopeful that someday, Kuroo will come to see him again, but Kei was unprepared when an unknown number called his phone, only to hear the voice he has not heard for two years.

There was silence when Kei asked who it was, then a rather broken, "I miss you, Kei."

There was no need for an introduction. Kei knows the voice too well. Knew it intimately. He would recognize that voice anytime, anywhere.

"Hi." was the only thing Kei was able to say.

"I'm sorry I took too long," Kei's chest tightened as Kuroo apologized. Kei wanted to say, 'No, it should be me who must say sorry,' but his voice failed him. Besides, Kei has his pride to protect. Stupid pride. Kuroo, oblivious to Kei's internal pain, continued, "But I'm back now."

When Kei did not respond, Kuroo kept on talking. "I wanted to say I don't regret leaving, but I actually did. But I also know you don't want me to stay after knowing that I have that opportunity. It's just… I miss you, Kei. I miss you so much."

 _This is no time for regrets_ , Kei told himself resolutely. "Kuroo-san," there was silence from the other end, so Kei continued, "if you are back now, then let's just meet." Time to settle this once and for all.

After exchanging details about their schedule, Kei immediately said goodbye, nothing more, nothing less. Whatever feelings he has bottled up, he will let out once he sees Kuroo.

Kei ended the call with a small smile on his face.


End file.
